(BRUSSELS, BELGIUM) Yesterday the European Parliament gave its strongest signal yet on how ruthlessly it will enforce GDPR, the recent European data privacy regulation. While the European Parliament considers the regulation applicable to Europeans, there is ongoing confusion in the IT world about how that may be practically applied on the global, unregulated internet.

Amid recent appeals by tech giants to circumvent the legislation and last-ditch attempts to offshore their European operations, the European Commission yesterday released an ‘app’ on multiple social media sites in an attempt to create some level of certainty about European-ness. The app, called “How European Are You?“, is available from the App Store, Google Play, and can be readily adapted to any clickbait-capable platform.

Actual iPad Screenshot

No longer do wearing Birkenstocks with socks, kissing strangers on both cheeks, driving a ridiculously small car, or displaying a working knowledge of the metric system prove that you’re European. The European Parliament has now issued clear guidelines that finding photos on Google Images of an individual in tighter-than-expected ‘eurotrunks’ is not considered definitive proof of European-ness.

The only conclusive proof that companies can rely on are the results of the How European Are You?  game. The game, which takes less than 28 minutes to complete, quizzes the user on a range of European issues including major rivers, rates for the use of public restrooms, the proper way to order soda water, and their view on siestas. One of the questions asks about the status of Switzerland, which is geographically in the ‘middle’ of Europe but may as well be on Mars as far as European law is concerned. Other questions delve into the need to rinse with fresh water after any contact with the ocean, and the inexplicable need to avoid sand at the beach by renting an exorbitantly expensive deck chair.

In an exclusive, The Gopher Files can reveal that the final question gives forces the user to choose appropriate footwear. Any suggestion that loafers should ever be worn with socks will cause permanent disqualification from European citizenship.

Photo Credit: The Idle Man

The How European Are You?  app results in a score of between 0% and 100%, and then prompts the user to share the results with their friends and install malware. Importantly, even those who have no conceivable connection with Europe but have a reasonable understanding of civil law can be considered European, at least according to GDPR.

The European Parliament is confident that the official app will alleviate any remaining confusion on the applicability of GDPR, and allow companies to avoid a fine of up to 4% of worldwide total revenue.

Tech giants, including Facebook, Twitter, Google, LinkedIn, Instagram, and GeoCities have been approached for comment. However they are all said to be preoccupied with creating a justification for wearing white linen trousers in public.