(MENLO PARK, CA) In a surprise move, Facebook Inc (NASDAQ: FB) has upwardly revised Q4 profit guidance on the back of a recent and significant data breach.
In a statement to the Securities and Exchange Commission, Facebook states that it has received correspondence indicating that it is to receive $57 million from the estate of the late General Izula Nkanyiso. According to the filing, General Nkanyiso was a wealthy man who recently was killed in the recent Kambezi conflict, but due to government restrictions his fortune is unable to be transferred out of the country without assistance.
Vice President of Employee Monitoring at Facebook, Stephen Osbert, confirmed that Tom Green, a junior programmer at the software giant, is the beneficiary of General Nkanyiso’s gold bullion. “As a global company, we are honoured to be realising the vision of the late General Nkanyiso, overcoming the exchange restrictions put in place by the regime over there”. The formal notification was received last Tuesday from his lawyer, Mr Nomusa Abena [at hotsmail.com].
Under Mr Green’s employment contract, Facebook will be entitled to the money as the notification was delivered to his work e-mail address. “Tom has been really great through all of this. If he hadn’t proactively reported it to us, we would have had to fire him and then sue him for the money he got. This is the type of case where Facebook will absolutely asserts its rights as Tom’s employer, to the full extent of the law” said Osbert.
Facebook made it clear that, had it not been for the recent data breach, Mr Abena may have never found Tom. And if Mr Abena didn’t find Tom, General Nkanyiso’s gold bars may never have been returned to their rightful owner. “Here is a open-and-shut case, where the benefits of the data breach are clear. We’ve always said that we’re connecting the world, and this time it’s no different”, Osbert stated.
Facebook’s SEC filing went on to highlight the lucrative potential for data cultivation (they prefer not to use the word “harvesting”) to monetise the information locked away in Facebook’s data centres.
Asked whether it’s time for a “crop rotation”, Facebook responded through another spokesperson that the analogy doesn’t really extend that far.
According to Osbert, further enquiries have been made and it now appears that Tom Green was very well connected in African military circles, particularly high-ranking officials who didn’t survive the brutal Kambezian civil war. “Tom’s coding is pretty ordinary, if we’re going to be honest. But we’re now thrilled to have him on the team, because this inheritance stream will underpin Facebook’s earnings guidance for at least the next 7 quarters”.