(GARY, IN) Yammer has become the latest victim in the United States’ trade war with China. An unsuspecting casualty, Microsoft announced they were shutting down the enterprise social network to recycle the aluminium and steel from its server racks.
Microsoft’s Global Head of Regulatory Compliance, Máximo Nicodemo, told reporters that the trade war was just like any other war, and required people to make sacrifices. “If you look at wars throughout history, resource rationing has been a core strategy employed by every victorious nation. In World War 2, rationing we had bread and meat rationing. This trade war is no different.”
Construction demand for steel and aluminium has never been greater, and the technology industry is also a heavy consumer of those materials. Congress recognised this last week, passing the Tech Rationing for Aluminium and Steel Hoarding Act (the TRASH Act).
Under the TRASH Act, cloud services that fail to demonstrate business value within 90 days are required to be turned off, and all physical infrastructure melted down to help the war effort. What’s left of Yammer’s former servers is to be transformed into shop awnings and shipped to Spearfish, South Dakota. The aluminium is to be made into tinfoil for an unnamed family-run bakery in Tennessee.
Nicodemo was please with Microsoft’s proactive response to the regulation, citing the fact that Yammer would be shut down within 85 days and Sway was slated for deprecation just 2 days later. “Here at Microsoft we are incredibly proud of the contribution we’re making to the war effort. Anything we can do to assist in putting up barriers to free trade, we will be more than happy to oblige.”
Yammer was one of the highest consumers of steel server racks, requiring a new server blade to be installed for every 10,000 new messages. “The young people have been using emojis quite a bit recently, and even though it’s just one character it still counts as a message. Recently we’ve been installing a rack or two every day, just to keep up with a particularly vibrant internal conversation about Satya’s dress sense.”
When asked how exactly recycling would invigorate the mining industry, a part-time spokesperson for Congress’ Committee on the Trade War responded “how about you leave the war strategy to the professionals?” Rust belt unions appeared to be openly questioning whether any of the promises made to them would be achieved by recycling under the TRASH Act, telling The Gopher Files “we understood this war to be about getting Americans to consume more of their own natural resources, not doing more with what we already have.”
Microsoft has also been proactive in creating a migration path for its existing Yammer customers. “Yesterday we signed up as the exclusive United States distributor for WeChat, beating a number of our competitors to the rights. All Yammer customer data is currently being migrated to Chinese WeChat servers which are not subject to the TRASH Act. Rather conveniently, Chinese cloud services also aren’t bothered by Europeans on their little GDPR soapbox. Really, it’s a win-win.”